“Our Father”

There are very few circumstances when you’re expected to hold someone’s hand, but that situation arises during every Catholic mass.

Just before communion, everyone joins hands and recites the “Our Father” prayer. You take the hand of the person to your left, and you take the hand of the person to your right.

See my problem?

I’ve spent seven years going to church with one hand, and I still haven’t figured out the best way to deal with this. Every time I go, I immediately start worrying about it as soon as I sit down if there is someone to my left. I know the time will come when I’m supposed to hold their hand, but I don’t have a hand to offer.

It doesn’t really matter if I know the person to my left or not. It’s still stresses me out. If it’s someone I know, I sit there wondering, “Will they just grab my arm? Or is that too weird for them? I don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable.”

Some family members and friends have taken the initiative and held my arm; others choose not to. It doesn’t matter me. Either way is fine.

I still remember what I believe was my first time at church after the accident. It was Easter 2009, and my grandma was sitting to my left. I didn’t realize I would even have a problem until it was time for “Our Father” during the mass. My grandma didn’t miss a beat and grabbed my arm as if my hand was still attached.

If it’s a stranger, I’m always hoping they don’t feel obligated to take my arm or say anything. Let’s just say the prayer without feeling obligated to link together, OK?

Most recently at church, a stranger was to my left and my mom was to my right. The man held his right hand out as the prayer started, glanced down and noticed my missing limb. He looked back up and continued with the prayer.

I actually try to avoid this situation whenever possible though by sitting at the end of the pew with someone only on my right side, because I hate the anxiety it causes me.

Honestly, I don’t care if someone wants to hold my arm or not. It’s the not knowing what they’ll do and whether or not it will be awkward that stresses me out. It’s a situation that’s out of my control and quite frankly makes me feel uncomfortable.

I keep wondering if this will ever change. If I’ll ever go to church one day, and not worry about it leading up to the “Our Father,” or if I won’t try to be strategic with where I sit. But after seven years of this awkward internal feeling, I’m not sure it’s going to fade.